Streaming stick 4k: hotel/dorm function not working

I have a new streaming stick for k, software version 11.5.0. when trying to connect to the hotels Wi-Fi, one of the following two things happens:

1. It pretends it's connected and goes back to the prior screen

2. It prompts for the I am at a "hotel or college dorm" prompt, which when selected, opens the "please connect to the following Wi-Fi" dialogue, which goes away in less than 5 seconds. I've tried to connect to that Wi-Fi and click the **bleep** button that says yes I accept the hotel's policies, but I can't get it done fast enough. It is drying me me f****** batty.  

Please, please, please do not link to that stupid page that tells me how this is supposed to work because it doesn't work that way. I've tried the network reset, I've tried a factory reset, I've tried connecting to my phone's Wi-Fi first, I've tried sacrificing a goat. Nothing works and now my remote is sticky.

Please help.